Bristol: Mom, can I talk to you a minute?

Sarah: Sure, hun, what’s up?

Bristol: You know how you’re always telling us how great George W. Bush is for pushing abstinence-only education in schools so that kids don’t know anything about sex and therefore won’t have it until they’re married in that sacred union between a man and a woman?

Sarah: [sighs, dreamily] Yes, and if only we could get public schools to counter all that scientific mumbo jumbo and teach the Word of God so everyone would realize the world is only 4,000 years old. Why?

Bristol: I’m pregnant.

* * *

Seven months later, Sarah is spending some down time on the couch, catching up on the latest season of Desperate Housewives she has TiVoed. As the arc of Bree covering up her daughter’s pregnancy begins to unfold, a light bulb goes off in her head. She turns off the TV and races into Bristol’s room, where she’s busy studying independently after being pulled out of school for “infectious mononucleosis.”

Sarah: Sweetie, I know how to fix this!

Bristol: Fix what?

Sarah: This embarrassment to my platform. I’ll tell everyone I’m the pregnant one, and that I’m already seven months along!

Bristol: Um.

Sarah: I saw it on TV. It has to work! I mean, I’m just the governor of Alaska; it’s not like I’m running for president or anything…